Go home if you're scared to be here all alone.
Diary entry here.
I'm the only one out of my friends who doesn't smoke, it's kind of awkward. I helped my friend with their maths today, I'm getting better and better.
It's taken me a long time to realise that I am actually just good at things. I felt very different as a child and young teenager but fitting in is easy. I've had no problems so far. My friend from before who thinks I'm posessed by Lucifer is an actual bitch though. She keeps talking shit about me as if I wouldn't find out somehow. Everyone in my class is also so fake. I don't know why they're all so obsessed with drama. I'm just going to focus on my grades. I met a very interesting person yesterday online, they're also interested in quantum physics and typology. So I guess I'll see how that goes.
I'm happy right now, and it's the first time I've been happy in a while. I finished paper two of my exam today, and I did really well, I hope. Yesterday I joked that I never ate real food, and one of my friends who is struggling a lot financially immediately looked really concerned and offered to buy me food. I declined, of course. But it was really nice of her. I tried to help her study and she learnt a lot, she kept apologising the entire way through, even though she didn't need to. She's actually quite smart, just struggles with what I used to struggle with, dissociation when stressed, and although she doesn't suffer from it as much as I do, I can still understand as I was in her place once.
Back to my main point though, I find it funny how often those who have so little are ready to give whatever they can to someone who they think needs it. She's honestly a good friend, I think we're friends now. I can't tell, as honestly before I was sort of strategically picking some of my friendships. Most of my friends are fake, it's kind of rare to find someone genuine. I think I'm happy about that.
Today was really nice, actually. I did really well on my exam, I think. It's good to get the first part out of the way, but I'm now worried about the second part. I totally did well though. Some girl i know thinks I'm posessed by Luicfer by the way.
I think a lot of people don't realise I'm autistic, and that makes them view me as suspicious. I'm very good at masking, but I think they feel like something is slightly off. Multiple people are scared of me because of this or view me as more intelligent than I actually am, or just dislike me. Uncanny valley effect, I suppose. I think very few will actually understand this experience, because I've only met one person who gets it or doesn't need me to explain that I don't have vindictive intent, I'm just autistic. It's annoying, honestly. There's not much I can do about it. It's Halloween today, and I purchased a Poundland meal deal + Turkish Delights.
I made this part of the site today, my diary, after much consideration. It feels somewhat risky making this site, but it's a little absurd to think that if anyone was smart enough to use this page agaisnt me, that they would even be able to find it or anything of worth on here. I honestly never talk about my feelings with anyone I know, there was only ever maybe one or two people I ever fully opened up to, but they're gone. Although I do have a very close friend who understands me better than anyone else, talking to them about my emotions would only stress them and I don't want to burden them with that. The way they solve problems is to attempt to find a logical solution, rather than console, but so is mine. I am fine with dealing with problems with a logical solution, even if I am temporarily upset. But things out of my control, I've honestly never done well with.
It's not that I don't process and analyse my emotions or the events that affect me in day-to-day life, it just gets kind of lonely sometimes and I'm scared to talk about myself. Funnily enough, everyone I know seems to think the opposite, but I've gotten really good at presenting a version of myself that is completely different to my true self. Though, I still consider my "fake" self part of my overall identity.
Anyway, I have my English exam tomorrow. It's really important, so I hope I get a good grade. I want to move on to studying psychology in September, it's a topic that has always greatly interested me. I'm kind of nervous, going in a loop mentally. I want to have a perfect grade.
I wonder if there will be any trick-or-treaters tomorrow.